English language puns

[admin]

Some old, some new.



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

[Adam Cotton]

O-pun the door!

[wingedwishes]

I asked Descarte' if his middle name was Elvis. He said "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

The Dali Lama walked into a Deli and said "Make me one with everything."

[papilio28570]

Actual event: Winning slogan in contest for sausage company..."You never sausage quality"

[willyomt]

1. I was having a good time at a party the other night, then some crabby person started giving me crap, and really took the wind out of my sails. I felt disgusted....
2. Just re-read a couple of my old Iron Man and Captain America comic books. I feel Marvelous....
3. I used up the last of these crappy trash bags, and now I’m going to buy some decent name brand ones. I’m glad.
4. Last night my girlfriend and I enjoyed some liqueur. We were feeling cordial.
5. I threw the cat into the back yard last night before I went to bed. He seemed put out....
6. A friend called me cheap, and said I'd never purchase anything unless it was on sale. I discounted what she said. I'm just
not buyin' it....
7. I guess I can truthfully say I don't like getting my pictures developed at drug stores. Does that sound negative?
8. Rat's!!! I'm at the grocery store and I forgot that record I made of what I need to buy. Suddenly I feel listless.
9. My clock stopped working in the middle of the night. But, I woke up unalarmed.
10. I saw this lady changing her baby's diaper while I was out and about today. It seemed very dutiful to me.
11. I just found a really dirty, gross skillet in my sink. So now I'm all panicky.......
12. I went to have breakfast this morning, and found out I was all out of my favorite cereal. I felt lifeless.
13. Had to work on my car's tailpipe today. I'm exhausted.
14. I'm going camping next weekend, and I'm getting tense.
15. I guess you could say I'm feeling just a little bit blue. This nice Cross pen I have started leaking on me.
16. I feel agitated today. Probably because I have to do laundry...................
17. At lunch today, this guy brought in a banana for dessert. Watching him getting it ready to eat was appealing....
18. I tend to speak very badly of the continued chronological advancement of my poor old mongrel. It’s discouraging....
19. On my way home from work today, this funeral procession held up traffic for about 20 minutes. I was appalled....
20. I was feeling sorta down today, so I went to the track and put a small amount of money down on the horse races. I was a
little better after that....
21. I was watching an episode of Bonanza, in which Pa Cartwright was fighting some big bad cowboy, and Pa was losing! I was
forlorn....
22. This hobo was sitting on the corner by the post office today with a sign that read "Viet Nam vet. Anyhting helps. God bless." I
just drove right by him. Now, I feel bummed....
23. I'm going golfing today, and I'm going to do at least average on every hole, if it's the last thing I do! Does that sound
partial?....
24. I was the leader of an impromptu meeting at work today. I was feeling charitable....
25. If my daughter was ever anything like that gal in that movie with all of those multiple personalities, I guess I'd feel
responsible....
26. I must be getting old. I just don't have that chiseled look that I did when I was younger. I feel ripped off....
27. I slept sooooo good last night. Maybe because I was kinda down. I suppose I should admit I got depressed....
28. I had thoughts of going to work for a septic service when I was younger. I thought it would make me successful....
29. A picture of me that hy Mom had hanging on her wall fell off and crashed all over the floor. She thought I did it. I was
framed....
30. The roof fell in on the apartment building I live in while I was at work today. I feel distressed....
31. Well I'll be! Today, I found a $20 bill in the crease of one of my pairs of pants that was sitting on the shelf. I felt
incomplete at that moment....
32. I have an undershirt that has a picture of a giant ripe puffball mushroom on it. I only wear it when I'm feeling sporty....
33. Sometimes, I just feel like being alone. So I go into my room and just sit and make sketches of anything that comes to mind. I
can do it for hours. I feel withdrawn at those times....
34. I heard a ligament or tendon or something in my ankle go "pop" today. I'm not sure if I should go to the hospital, or wait and
go see my doctor on Monday. I feel torn....
35. I had a dream last night that I met my doppelgänger. He was sitting right next to me at a movie. I was beside myself....
36. I was at the park today laying on the grass, when all of a sudden this Eider duck walks right over the top of me. After that, I
felt very downtrodden....
37. I want to go fishing tomorrow, so I went out tonight and caught 144 nasty nightcrawlers. I was engrossed....
38. I've lost a little weight, so my stomach isn't quite so round any more. Someone at work commented on it today. I'm flattered....
39. We were at the top, but now the softball team I play on is going to have to play in the next lowest group next year. We really
stunk this year. I'm beleaguered....
40. I went to a wild game feed a couple of weeks ago, and someone who KNOWS I like to collect insects offered me this platter with
some deep fried wasps and hornets on it. I felt betrayed.....
41. Took a tour of the Berkeley Pit this weekend, and bought myself a souvenir undershirt. I'm wearing it right now. I feel
beautiful....
42. I ate quite a bit of pie. Now I’m feeling peaceful.....
43. A co-worker told me two fibs in a row today. I was paralyzed....
44. At the moment, I'm in the yard admiring the grass. I feel outstanding....
45. I had some eggs today that were cooked just a little longer than I normally make them. I was overwhelmed....
46. Can't stomach beer. ABSolutely not!
47. I love to get out of this state as often as I can, just to experience new places. Even if that ends up being Iraq, Iran, or
Afghanistan. I guess I'm borderline crazy....
48. I'm trying to get into better shape, so I did 100 sit ups today. I feel abused....
49. I'm dogsitting my sister's puppy. Yesterday, he kept jumping up and trying to lick my face, and I told him to quit about ten
times. Then I added one more for good measure. That was adequate....
50. I recently finished reading a book from which I feel I learned nothing. I feel demoralized....
51. I had to go to court today. I told the judge I wasn’t guilty at least three times, and I finally got off. I was pleased.
52. After I brushed up against Marisa Tomei, I realized later that I felt empty....
53. I saw this guy walking around downtown today with a bow and a case full of arrows. I started quivering....
54. Arrggghhhh....I just broke my favorite wrench for working on my car. I'm really torqued....
55. Everyone always says “It’s all about you, isn’t it Bill?” I’m just livid.
56. I'm sick of that cheap jewelry with the green stones in them. Call me jaded....
57. I asked my butcher to slaughter this young sow for some tasty pork, I felt guilty....
58. I keep coming to forks in the middle of this road we call life. I'm trying to be wise about it....
59. I tried to learn that primarily unarmed Chinese martial art resembling karate, but I just never got very good at it. I just
felt foolish….
60. I walked in front of a car when I was going from one side of the road to the other today, and he honked at me, like I was
putting him out or something. So I slowed down. I felt cross....
61. I had to send my food back to the kitchen at the restaurant I ate at last night because it wasn't fully cooked. My girlfriend
asked me how I felt about doing that. Of course, I told her I felt reserved....
62. I wore a pair of my friend Dan's socks today without his permission. Now I feel despair....
63. I love to use the remote to stop movies when I need to, which seems to be quite often. But I feel positive about it....
64. I’d made an appointment to come pick up a friend's dining set and take it to Goodwill for him, but I was unable to make it. I
felt uncomfortable.
65. I refuse to waste time there.
66. I didn’t donate to the Salvation Army this past Christmas season. I have misgivings about that....
67. I looked in the mirror today, and my face is all pock marked from when I was a kid and had Chicken Pox. I look pitiful.
68. Why should my tax dollars go to training a prisoner at the penitentiary to weld? That’s confusing to me
69. I find divorce despairing.
70. Oh boy.....the rear of my pants ripped at work today, and my cheeks were showing. Boy, was I embarrassed....
71. Yuck - I'm feeling half awful today. So I guess I can admit that I'm really just feeling off.
72. I fell over the front of my friend's boat I was on. I’m not proud of it...
73. I got my fingers stuck together with some paste today. I’m gloomy....
74. On a safari, I got to see an entire group of lions together. I say this with pride.
75. I can't stop thinking about the government's idea to do away with the penny. Call me sentimental....
76. Today when I stopped at a friend's house, she was burning those thin sticks that smoke and smell perfumey. She knows I hate
that crap! I was incensed....
77. There's a new pismire that came from Africa invading the country, and we need to do all we can to get rid of it!!! It's
important!....
78. Once when I was in Australia, I saw one of those big hopping marsupials, and I told my host that I thought they were stupid
animals. I guess I was rude....
79. I saw what looked like water on the road way up in the distance earlier today. But as I neared it, the oasis went away. I'm
disillusioned....
80. Not again!! The battery on my clock died today. Now I'm ticked off....
81. I had a bite of some unsweetened chocolate today. My friend told me I’d like it. Well, I didn’t and I’m very bitter.
82. I despise anything crimson colored. I guess I'm full of hatred....
83. I have this enormous urge to check my heart rate. Am I being impulsive?
84. At the beach a while ago, this sea bird waddled up to me and started saying the same adjective over and over. It just kept
saying "mine", "mine", "mine". Talk about awkward....
85. I know this sounds macabre and all, but I was just thinking. I sure hope I don't end up having to get either of my legs
amputated because of my Diabetes. I'd feel so defeated....
86. I told this gal at the Farmers Market today that I thought her handbag was darling. She acted persecuted or something....
87. I couldn't get the door to my Plymouth open today to get out. I was infuriated....
88. The last of those cheap incandescent bulbs I bought burned out in my bathroom today while I was in there. Now I can get some
new, better ones. I'm delighted....
89. I had to stop my car today for a rancher herding a bunch of female sheep down the middle of the road. I felt so used.
90. Shoot! I just went and borrowed a whole bunch of money from the bank today that I don't really need. I guess that's what
happens when I start feeling alone....
91. I just read a great biography about the founder of Playboy Magazine, Mr. Hefner, and I found out his first wife’s name was
Mildred Williams. I feel like I learned something, butI can’t believe I didn’t already know that! I feel humiliated.
92. I just ate some cantaloupe, and now I feel like I want to cry. Call me melancholic....
93. Out of the blue, a street walker came up to my car the today and asked me if I wanted a date. I was horrified!
94. For some reason, I feel like checking out the steeple at my church. Call me inspired....
95. I've been trying to figure out how to install one of these thingys in the attic to provide proper ventilation, but I just don't
get it. I'm, like, totally baffled....
96. What was the last name of that married couple in the early 1900s who are famous for their research on radioactivity? I'm
curious....
97. I just discovered I can transmit my thoughts to someone else, which really kinda chokes me up. I've gotten sentimental....
98. My girlfriend's hair goop works better than mine does. I'm jealous....
99. I got stopped on my way home from work by a cop because I was speeding. He said he was going to write me a ticket, but since I
was honest with him, he decided not to. As you can guess, I got excited.
100. Maybe Shish-Ka-Bobs tonight. I'm feeling spirited enough....
101. I don't know what to have for dinner. I'm all in a stew....
102. I've taken an interest in snaps and buttons. I find them fascinating....
103. My jeans are getting pretty thin in some spots, and I'm stressed!
104. Some braniac guy told me today I'm Not Very Smart. So I guess now I'm envious.....
105. I'm pooped and I look flushed. I'm really wiped out. I feel like crap......
106. The woman I divorced keeps letting me know she's very unhappy with me. I just get ecstatic about it.
107. I think my glasses allow me to see into the future!!!! Maybe I'm being optimistic....
108. I just started reading a book about the process for manufacturing paper towels. It's quite absorbing....
109. Feelin' perky. I think I'll go make some coffee....
110. I just saw those Kardashian gals dad on T.V. All of a sudden I'm feeling generous....
111. I'm making some lemon zest for tomorrow night. I feel great...............
112. I had an I.R.S. agent look over my income taxes today. He was terrifying......
113. I have to canvas the campground for a good spot before I go...
114. I got in an argument today with a guy about what the latest trends are. Obviously, we're indifferent.
115. Hey, I got my hair cut today. Now I'm distressed.......
116. OMG!!! I just saw a steer swallow an incendiary device! I think that's abominable.....
117. I'm just sitting here on the ledge by the window, feeling silly......
118. I'm really feeling down. I just got a big hole in my winter coat.
119. I just got done putting the spare on my Camry. Now I'm tired.........
120. I prefer to listen to the old retro LPs on a roundtable. They make me feel groovy…
121. A beautiful lady I’ve never met walked up to me today and surprised me with, of all things, a big French kiss. I say that
rather tongue in cheek.
122. I took a walk tonight, and I actually noticed this male cow in a pasture murmuring a song! I felt humble.
123. I wore a three piece suit today when I went to talk to my stockbroker. I was fully invested.
124. I frequently have dreams about my sister in law - Kathy King - going to the North Pole. I find it very cathartic.
125. I met some joker today who claimed he could tell what is wrong with me just by touching me. At the time, I was incensed.
126. A friend of mine was cleaning up after his dog in his yard this past weekend, and he told me he scooped up 144 piles of dog
poop. That's gross.
127. I used to collect every piece of Earvin Johnson memorabilia I could get my hands on. It was magical.
128. Wow, I got a pretty nasty cut today at work, and it looks like I'm gonna end up having to get stitches after all. I'll be
darned.....
129. When we had a dog, I used to take him with me when I'd go into the mountains. One day, we were out and I threw his tennis ball,
so naturally he ran after it. Before he could reach it, it bounced into the river and began swiftly floating away. And that
silly dog kept chasing it! He ran after that darn thing until he was out of sight, and I thought I might never see him again!
But, about an hour later, he returned, all wet, WITH THE BALL in his mouth! Does that sound far-fetched?......
130. I remember once when I was a kid in school, the teacher asked the class how much two plus five is. Three kids yelled out "five"
rather rudely, so I raised my hand and the teacher called on me. I said "five", and my teacher said that the question had
already been answered! I felt I was just being forthright.
131. My girlfriend and I sat down to watch T.V. the other night. She wanted to watch whatever was on T.V., and I wanted to see a
movie on DVD, and I won. But then again, I was fervid.
132. I took a bread knife to a friend to borrow, and when I went to her door, I realized that I had left the knife locked inside my
vehicle. I realized then that it was incarcerated......
133. I know this sounds weird and at the same time kinda cute, but I noticed that both my ex girlfriend and me would occasionally
smack our pants pockets that we kept our money in a few times, just to be sure that it still was there. As it turns out, we
were incompatible......
134. I have a tie dyed undershirt with a picture of a mushroom on it. Pretty sporty.
135. So I was hiking the other day, and I just got to the top of this mountain and I realized that my watch had stopped. I remember
thinking to myself, “I never thought I’d wind up here”....
136. I used to know this gal who worked in a shop that made headgear for nuns. She liked the job very much. Said it was habit
forming.
137. I was visiting with a local monk about their practice of frequent incanting. I’d heard they have started creating some new ones
based on current events. So I asked him if they had come up with one about the Ebola outbreak in West Africa. He replied –
“There’s no chants of that happening”.
138. I know a company that rents out insects for films. I heard about one documentary on agricultural crop pests that required a
couple of specimens. This company didn’t know whether to rent out some locusts, or some beetle pests. In the end, it was the
lessor of two weevils.